FEAR: Failure

I’m scared of fear, and of being afraid.

That might seem like an oxymoron, or it might make me seem like a moron, but it’s true.  I feel like I always have been scared – scared of the dark, scared of the unknown, of heights, of spiders, of failure.

And, frankly, I’m a little sick of being afraid.  But I’m also afraid that I can’t overcome it without some help.  

With that, this month I’m going to a list of things I’m afraid of, as well as a list of things that help me overcome my fears.  I bet you’ll relate to some of them! If not, then that sucks! Here we go.  Welcome to....

The List of Stuff that Makes Me Want to Poop My Pants!

Version 2014

Let's start with a particularly nasty one. 

Failure.  

I do not like to fail, and am not a good loser.  I don’t like feeling that my efforts are amounting to nothing.

Story time.  I served as a missionary in Brasil in 2009 and it absolutely changed my life.  However, I spent most of the time worried that I wasn’t doing good enough, that somehow my service wasn’t worth it, and that nothing I could do could ever qualify what I was doing.  I tried battling the fear during my time as a missionary and we saw great success in teaching and helping others, and I felt peace.

Upon arriving home, I had a list of goals and I firmly believed that God sanctioned each of them.  Namely, I wanted to work at the Missionary Training Center, I wanted to sing in VocalPoint, BYU’s a capella choir, and I wanted to be a business major.  So, I applied at the MTC. My first application was rejected.  So was my second. My third was more promising, or so I thought, but months went by with no job.  I felt sad, and ignored, and that I had failed.

Then VocalPoint. Before I had left for Brasil I had auditioned for the group, and they gave me a very positive feedback even though I didn’t make callbacks.  Then they basically told me, ‘Go on your mission and we’ll see you when you get back.’  I guess I interpreted that a little too literally, because I spent my whole mission singing and performing and doing what I thought was the best preparation possible for a spot in that group.  

Then I got back.  First audition – made callbacks.  And then, through a series of unfortunate events, I ended up missing the callback time because I was looking after my friend’s house and dog.  No go.  So, I got a vocal coach and trained hard for a year.  My voice had never been better, and my confidence was high. 

It was subsequently let down when I didn’t make callbacks after the third tryout.  After having had two glowing reviews from them, I was confused.  Did they want me, or were they just leading me on?  A bit dejected, I continued with choirs and vocal lessons.  The next year rolled around, and I saw that they were having tryouts again.  I admit that I did not want to try out, at all—I had failed too many times, and felt miserably unqualified.  

However, my vocal coach urged me to go, as did my friends and family.  Imagine my surprise when I made callbacks again!  And then, after having had a great callback (or, I thought I did well, at least)…they were looking for someone else.  I was talented, I was what I thought they were looking for – and they didn’t want me.  Not exactly the type of "success" I was looking for. 

Then girls.  I can’t even count how many first dates I went on during the long years after my mission.  Many of them were great, and yet it seemed that none of those great girls wanted to be with me - not for a second date, anyway. I began to expect to be dropped after the first several dates, and any self-confidence that I might have had began to erode away. 

Exercise. The constant struggle of pizzawant and hungerhave, but weighing that against definedabshave and lazinesshave or tirednesshavetoomuch is a sucky adventure in and of itself. 

So, that's just it, then. And I'm doomed to fail for the rest of my life. 

Right?

Heno, no, no. 

Heck no. Forget failure. Let's talk about the good. 

Let's talk about

The Stuff that I Did After Encountering Stuff That Makes Me Want to Poop My Pants!

Version 2014

...in the next post. Haha. See you soon!